“No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”

“If I promise to miss you, will you go away?”

“I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.”

“Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.”

“I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”

“You’d be in good shape… if you ran as much as your mouth.”

“Life’s good, you should get one.”

“If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”

“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”

“Fighting with me is like being in the special olympics. You may win, but in the end you’re still a retard.”

“If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.”

“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”

“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”

“If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”

“Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”

“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”

“Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.”

“Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”

“Are you always so stupid or is today a special ocassion?”

“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”

“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”

“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”

“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

“Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”

“If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.”

“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”

“Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.”

“Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.”

“I’ve got a good heart but this mouth…”

“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”

“Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”

“My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”

“I’m smiling… that alone should scare you.”

“I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?

“Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?”

“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.”

“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”

“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest!”

“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”

“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”

“Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”

“Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.”

“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

“You always do me a favor, when you shut up!”

“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”

“Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”

“Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.”

“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”

“Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright

“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”

“Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.”

“Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”

“Find your patience before I lose mine.”

“If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”

“Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”

“Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”

“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”