I’m the kind of person who bumps into inanimate objects, says, Oops, I’m sorry. And doesn’t stop to ask himself why he’s talking to a wall.

Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others are talking.

If people have a problem with u, always remember, it is THEIR problem.

I like clicking the “like” button just so I can click the “unlike” button.

Stealing other people’s statuses1 on Facebook is called a Facelift.

When someone tells you to, “expect the unexpected”, slap them in the face and ask them if they expected it.

I never get mad when I see my ex with someone else because I was always taught to recycle my old trash.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Someone at work said to me, «Inquiring minds want to know if you have a boyfriend» I said, «Yes, I do, but don’t tell my husband.»

I don’t always lose my phone but when I do its always on silent 🙂

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know.

If bar tenders aren’t allowed to sell alcohol to drunk people, then McDonald’s shouldn’t be allowed to sell food to fat people.

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

It’s raining, it’s pouring. Facebook is boring. I’m bored to death, I’m going to bed, hopefully we’ll meet in the morning!

Saying “Beer can” with a British accent sounds like “Bacon” with a Jamaican accent.

If I were a cartoon character, which one do you think would best fit my personality! Comment below and why?

Like this if you ever looked for your TV remote and it was in your hand the whole time.! :]

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Support the Arts. Kiss a guitar player.

Dear math, I’m not therapist so solve your own problems.

If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.

I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.

It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

You wanna see a perfect relationship? Watch a movie. Lolz

If at first you don’t succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!

If the zombie apocalypse ever happens I’m just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills… I should be fine.

Thinks that Facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “what’s your problem today?”

My boyfriend hid their sense of humor…we haven’t seen it in years 🙁

Common sense is not so common.

If you want to avoid seeing a fool you must first break your mirror.

You can lead a gift horse to water, but you can’t look them in the mouth and make them drink.

Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots.

Vote Up Vote Down My Facebook wall is broken.

You know you’re blonde when you spend like 10 minutes trying to put milk away in the cupboard before realizing that it goes in the fridge.

Larry is wondering if they could invent a self cleaning oven, why can’t they invent a self cleaning house?

Facebook asks what I’m thinking. Twitter asks what I’m doing. Foursquare asks where I am. The internet has turned into a crazy girlfriend.

My friend has just updated his status saying: he is balancing on the edge of a cliff. So I poked him.

When I get in an elevator, before I press a button, I look at everyone inside & say: “Are you ready to take this shit to a whole new level?

Your time, energy and love are precious to make sure that it is not wasted and preciously invested when dating.

You look like shit. Is that the style now?

Life is hard normally, but it’s harder if you are Stupid.

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.

Slut: OMG I lost 5 pounds! Nerd: So you finally took off your makeup…

My favorite occupation on the lessons – this is to dream.

I’m on a 30 day diet… I’ve already lost 15 days.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

I’ve frozen. Nothing to eat. I’m going to hang myself. Mouse.

Teaching old people computer stuff is like trying to nail jello to the wall.

That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and you end up walking in the same direction.

Still sleeping. Waiting for the spring. Marmot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

We love Facebook but we hate the face of book.

Some make wonders happen. Some see wonders happen. Some let wonders happen. And others wonder what happened.

If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

Son: Dad, this boy in school keeps calling me gay.. Dad: Are you stupid? Why don’t you just beat him up? Son: I can’t, he’s too cute..