How has retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now

If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.

Victory is everything. You can spend the money, but you can never spend the memories.

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course

Golf is assuredly a mystifying game. It would seem that if a person has hit a golf ball correctly a thousand times, he should be able to duplicate the performance at will. But this is certainly not the case

The harder you work, the luckier you get.

When he gets the ball into a tough place, that’s when he’s most relaxed. I think it’s because he has so much experience at it

Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea how to play.

Golf is a game not just of manners but of morals.

Every rock’n’roll band I know, guys with long hair and tattoos, plays golf now

I did envisage being this successful as a player, but not all the hysteria around it off the golf course

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

At 15 we put down my bag to hunt for a ball, found the ball, lost the bag

Always keep in mind that if God didn’t want a man to have mulligans, golf balls wouldn’t come three to a sleeve

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball

You can’t lose an old golf ball

The golf swing is like sex. You can’t be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing

We have fifty-one golf courses in Palm Springs. He(Gerald Ford) never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot…At least he can’t cheat on his score- because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded

The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life

Golf is an exercise in Scottish pointlessness for people who are no longer able to throw telephone poles at each other

Golf tips are like aspirin. One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle you will be lucky to survive

Shoot a lower score than everybody else

One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.

something you create by hitting millions of golf balls…

Ask the American players how many weeks in a row they play in Japan

The more I practice, the luckier I get.

Hey, is this room out of bounds?

Golf is a better game played downhill.

Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth. It is clear that the game of golf may well be included in that category of intolerable provocations which may legally excuse or mitigate behaviour not otherwise excusable.

Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course

If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.

You can’t call it a sport. You don’t run, jump, you don’t shoot, you don’t pass. All you have to do is buy some clothes that don’t match.

When you hear someone shout “You da man,” if he ain’t shouting at Arnold Palmer, then it ain’t da man

I see no reason why Tiger Woods won’t become a great player. Man, can he smoke some shots. A little refinement on Tiger’s short game and there’ll be nothing. He’s already pretty darn imposing

I think I fail a bit less than everyone else.

When you fall in love with golf, you seldom fall easy. It’s obsession at first sight

I couldn’t wait for the sun to come up the next morning so that I could get out on the course again.

The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf-it’s almost a law

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time

What a shame to waste those great shots on the practice tee

We learn so many things from golf — how to suffer, for instance.

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.

Golf is an ideal diversion, but a ruinous disease

The only shots you can be sure of are those you’ve had already.

It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.

That’s the easiest 69 I ever made

It’s a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get

Golf is hockey at the halt.

Through the years of experience I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt.

It’s a little bit disheartening that here we have the biggest first prize in the golf world and half the guys don’t turn up

Trevino is in a league by himself. We don’t even count him. We figure when you come in second, you’re a winner.

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.

Why do we work so hard to feel so terrible

Golf is an exercise in Scottish pointlessness for people who are no longer…

If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle.

You have to understand, I don’t play golf for fun. It’s my business. When the mailman starts delivering mail on his off day, that’s when I’ll start playing golf for the hell of it. I like to play in tournaments. There are many great courses around the world that I have never played that are next door to tournaments. I have not played them because I don’t play for fun

Most golfers prepare for disaster. A good golfer prepares for success.

Happiness is a long walk with a putter.

There’s something intrinsically therapeutic about choosing to spend your time in a wide, open park- like setting that non-golfers can never truly understand.

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death